


You Know That I Can't Trust Myself With My 3AM Shadow

by Miraboo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 25-Year-Old Harry, 27-year old Louis, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, M/M, No Sex, Self-Harm, Sorry Not Sorry, it's sad, prepare yourselves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-07-19
Packaged: 2018-05-24 10:38:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6150875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miraboo/pseuds/Miraboo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I won’t tell you not to be sad, that’s just pointless. But do go on with your life, yeah? You have so much potential and talent. Don’t let it go to waste, Haz, you’re amazing. Always remember that.”<br/>“Be strong, baby, for the guys, for my girls, for the fans. But, first and foremost, for yourself.”<br/>“Do talk about me. Please, Harry, don’t forget me. Live your life as you would if I were there, with you. Cause I will be, always. I’m so sorry Harry. I love you too much.”</p><p>or the one where the pressure is too much and all Louis wanted was to be with Harry but now it's too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This is how it begins

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my very first attempt at writting an actual fanfiction so I hope it goes good. This was so hard to write at times, but I really enjoyed it. I will post the first two chapters and then I'll update once a week I think? Here we go.  
> I want to thank Giulia for being amazing and the very first person to read this, you should follow her [here](https://rated-l-for-larry.tumblr.com)  
> Check my tumblr out too if you want, you can always talk to me [here](https://kingofthejungleandcultleader.tumblr.com)  
> There will be a playlist sometime soon as well. Thank you!  
> The title comes from Talk Me Down by Troye Sivan

They were about to go on stage, the thrill and the excitement still present even after all those years. Somehow this particular first concert was different than the others they had had. Harry remembers how they all seemed to be doing their own thing, their usual pre-concert rituals, nothing really seemed out of place. But the little things were always there, those little things that he never noticed, those that would destroy him forever. He now realizes that he should have paid more attention, should have been more careful and that is what destroyed him all these years ago and continues to kill him every single day. If only time could turn back..

  
Louis was awfully quite that day, from the moment they arrived to the arena up to minutes before going on stage. Harry thought it was the nerves they all were feeling; he told himself that it was simple as that. After all Louis always had phases were he would just go dead silent because of the anxiety he was feeling. That wasn’t all that weird.

  
The first concert of the tour had ended with great success. The guys were about to go out to celebrate when Louis said he would rather go on the tour bus and have a quite night in. That was when Harry first thought something might be really wrong. Louis had been living in the tour bus alone for a while but his explanation was that it was a stable environment that reminded him of home. That made sense and Harry never questioned his motives. But choosing to stay in over partying? That was odd, really odd. Louis was always the one to start the party, being the life of the party as he was, not only was this strange, Harry thought to himself that this must have been the first time he ever turned down an invitation to party. Now Harry was concerned for him, the need to know what was wrong with him growing bigger with every passing second.

  
All he wanted to do was stay in the bus, with Louis, but he wouldn’t let him. That’s how about an hour later he found himself sitting in a bar booth with the other lads, totally wasted after only having 2 drinks. Everyone was having fun around him, everyone but him. Niall was laughing his ass out over something Josh had just said, Liam and Zayn sat besides and opposite him. It was Liam who addressed him, asking if he was alright. Of course they had realized something was off with him, he had been worrying out of his mind for the entire night and Harry wasn’t one to hide what he was thinking or feeling.

  
Hesitantly, he looked at Liam’s eyes before focusing on his drink while he was whispering his answer.

“No.. I’m not really. I’m worried about Louis, Li. Did you see how he was before? Wasn’t that weird or am I freaking out for absolutely no reason?”

“Harry, Harry. Breathe babe, breathe. Sure it was weird but he was tired, that’s all. I mean look at all of us. These past few weeks have been extra exhausting for us. Today was the first concert we’ve had in forever, it’s only natural that he wanted to chill out. You know he’ll be back to his regular self in no time, right? Everything’s alright, Harry, don’t you worry.”

  
“Liam’s right, Harry” Zayn said. “Lou enjoyed not doing anything a little too much, but he’ll be back to tour-mode soon enough, you’ll see. Now, how about I go get us some shots? I think we deserve that much.”

 

And with that he left them. Maybe they were right, maybe Louis would be back to normal soon enough. In all honestly his judgment was as far from clear as it could be. Surely he was overreacting. Soon enough Zayn was back, with three shots in his hands. Since he was out it wouldn’t hurt trying to enjoy himself, would it? And that was pretty much how one shut turn out to be one too many and Harry found himself having one of the worst hangovers of his life.


	2. Louis is worse than the boys originally thought

That night Harry couldn’t sleep. He was worrying too much and his drunken state didn’t help with that. He had created a billion different scenarios ever since he returned from the bar over why Louis was the way he was that evening, each one worse than the previous. He couldn’t escape his thoughts and it was too early meaning that Louis would still be asleep, so talking to him wouldn’t happen for many more hours. He decided to go for a run, knowing how it usually calmed him. He searched for his phone to check the time and set out to go. When he left his hotel room it was 05:35.

  
-

  
Harry returned to his room and headed straight to the bathroom, another place that calmed him down almost immediately. He was so tired from his run, he knew it had been longer than usual but since he had left his phone in his room he had no way of knowing how much longer. He was about to step into the shower when his phone rang. He decided against answering, for it to only ring harder. He made his way towards it to see that it was Liam calling. He picked it up to hear him angry, almost shouting at him.

 

  
“Where are you?! I’ve been calling you for hours, we all have been! We’ve been trying to call you for over 3 hours! Where the hell have you been? We’ve been worrying out of our minds!”

  
At the sound of that Harry was lost. 3 hours? He knew it took him longer than usual, but how could he even spend 3 hours running away from his problems? He must have been in a worst state of mind than he originally thought.

  
“Sorry, Liam. I went running and didn’t want any distractions so I didn’t take my phone with me. What’s up? Why were you looking for me?”

“Harry you need to come to the tour bus right away” Liam’s tone had now been changed from angry to worried. “It’s Louis.. Please come here right away”

Now Harry was even more lost. Liam wouldn’t tell him what was going on with Louis, but he knew, he just knew it in his gut, that it was something really bad. How did everything go to shit so fast? Only a couple of weeks ago, when they were in their home, he seemed to be okay. Hell, even happy. Where had this boy gone? Where had his boy gone? All of the thoughts from the night before came back to Harry’s mind, Harry being unable to voice any of them out loud. All he knew was that he had to be with Louis, he had to be with him, he had to make up for not paying much attention before, for thinking Louis’ behavior was normal. Harry only hoped that he was okay, that was all he needed right at that moment. Finally he remembered that Liam was on the phone with him so he gathered his thoughts and replied to him.

  
“Yeah, of course. I’m leaving right now. I’ll be there as soon as possible. Just tell me, is Lou okay? Please just tell me that. Tell me I wasn’t right yesterday Li..” Of course Harry knew what Liam would reply, but that didn’t take away any of the pain when he actually heard his words.

“Just please come here as soon as possible, Harry.”  
And with that the line went silent, and Harry felt more alone than he had ever felt.

-

  
Harry arrived at their tour bus less than 10 minutes after his conversation with Liam had ended. When he went inside he met with the faces of a worried Liam, Zayn and Niall. Somehow this made the situation worse, made it more ‘real’ in a way. He looked around, Louis nowhere to be seen. He honestly didn’t know if he should be relieved about that or not.

  
“Liam, where is Lou?” At the sound of that of their faces became more worried, worried and sad. Harry couldn’t understand what was going on. Surely it couldn’t be that bad, he could have realized earlier, couldn’t he?

“Why are you all looking at me like that? Just tell me where Louis is and I will go get him. I will take care of him, no matter what is going on, that’s what we always do. Where is he?”

Harry’s concern was now painted all over his voice. He feared that he would burst into tears, that’s how worried he was for his boy.

“Please calm down Harry, we need to remain calm. Louis is in the back, sleeping-”

But Harry couldn’t understand. If he was sleeping why where they all there worrying about him? It wasn’t a secret that he loved sleeping, so that didn’t make any sense at all. He made sure to say exactly what he was thinking to Liam.

“You do know it’s Louis we’re talking about, right? Of course he is sleeping! That’s what he does.”

“Yes” Liam said, “but if you had let me finish you would realize why this is a problem. I and Zayn thought about what you were saying last night and we decided to check on Louis today. I woke up and went to Niall’s to get him to come here as well. That’s when I first called you to let you know too. We came here and headed to the bedroom to wake him up, only he wouldn’t. We tried everything and we started getting worried. We were calling you and you wouldn’t answer, which made things so much worse and Louis still wouldn’t respond to us.”

  
Liam hesitated before saying his final sentence.

“Harry.. We’ve been here for over an hour. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what is going on Harry.”

Now Liam was starting to cry, Zayn rushing in to comfort him. Harry still didn’t understand what this all meant, as he turned to Zayn for an explanation.

“We went to get Niall and came straight here. We knocked but weren’t too troubled when there was no answer. As you said, it’s Louis we’re talking about and in Lou hours it was way too early. So we just went in his bedroom to wake him up.”

  
Niall cut Zayn, continuing the story. “I tried waking him up first. I started poking him, you know the way he hates, but he didn’t react at all. Then it was Zayn’s turn. He started calling him ‘babe’ and touching his hair, yet he wouldn’t react. Now we were really worried. Liam came and he tried too. He started calling out his name and moving his arm but Louis wouldn’t respond to anything. Harry I think it’s really serious.. He seemed so weird, almost dead..”

  
At the sound of that he froze. Surely he couldn’t seem dead. It was Louis for heaven’s sake; the boy who was always so loud and full of life. Surely they were overreacting.

  
“I just have to see him, I’ll just go see him.”

He left the room without saying much else and headed towards Louis’ direction. Surely it couldn’t be that bad, he told himself. And he was right, cause when he saw Louis he seemed so peaceful, sleeping in that cute little way Louis was always sleeping. He leaned closer to him and kissed him softly on his lips, something that could always wake him up even from the deepest of the sleeps. When that didn’t happen, though, he knew what the guys had just told him was the truth.

  
“Guys.. Come here, I need you” Harry said, despair visible in his voice.

They came in, Niall urging to hug Harry. He was so thankful to have them in his life, there was never a moment when he needed a hug as much as then up until that moment. He was now close to tears himself.

“So what are we going to do? We can’t just leave him like that.”

“I don’t know mate” Niall said, “Maybe he’s just really tired?”

“Niall you’ve seen him tired, that isn’t Louis being tired this is something entirely different” Zayn tried reasoning with him.

“Zayn’s right. When he’s tired we won’t get off the bed but he will wake up to at least curse at us for waking him.” Harry hesitated for a bit, “He does seem like he is dead, guys. How did this even happen? When did this even happen?”

Now Harry couldn’t hold back, he had burst into tears. How could he be such an idiot? How could he not have realized what was going on earlier? Why did he have to wait until Louis was lying unconscious before him in order for Harry to realize that something was majorly fucked up? What kind of friend does that? What kind of boyfriend does that?

  
Liam was saying something but Harry wasn’t paying attention to him. Then Niall was slapping his arm, apparently Liam was talking to him.

“We should call an ambulance. This isn’t normal, he needs to get medical attention as soon as possible.”

  
So that's what he was saying. He couldn’t argue that Louis needed to go to a hospital but an ambulance would draw too much attention and that was the last thing they needed.

“No, we’ll call a doctor first. We can’t just go to a hospital, the four of us minus Lou, it will become this major ‘scandal’. We can’t have that as well.”

  
“Harry is correct. A doctor is what we need. I’ll go call a friend of mine.”

And just like that Niall left the room, leaving behind him a confused Zayn, a sobbing Liam and Harry next to an unconscious Louis. Things were so much worse than expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the second chapter. The chapters are generally quite short. I'm not really sure how ofter I will be updating, we'll see how it goes.


	3. Maybe things will be okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's part 3! Sorry of the wait, it had been a busy week. Thank you to anyone who has read the story, it really means so much. Hope you enjoy it!!

The wait for the doctor to arrive seemed to last forever. Ever since Niall had made the call he seemed to have taken Liam’s role as their ‘mother’, being the calmest of the four of them. He had made them hot cocoa, which he had claimed to have the magic quality of making everything better, and had found a blanket for each of them to keep them ‘warm and fuzzy’ as he had said. As much as those things had helped, the moment the doctor walked past the bus door all the feelings they had hidden suddenly resurfaced.

  
Niall stood on his feet to greet the doctor.

“Mick, hi! Thanks for coming so fast. This is Zayn, Liam and Harry.”

He gestured towards the boys and after they exchanged hellos Niall continued to explain why Mick was called. After he had finished the doctor exited the room, heading to where Louis were, instructing them not to follow him. He returned to where the guys were, them rushing in to create a circle around him.

 

“It doesn’t appear to be something worrisome. He seems to have taken a pill to help him sleep, which fits with what you told me as well. He should be up in a couple more hours. If that doesn’t happen, though, please do contact me again.”

  
“Okay, thank you doctor.” Liam said while shaking his hand. “We will call you should we need anything else”

The doctor nodded towards the rest of them and exited, leaving them alone once more. Harry was drowned in his own thoughts again, torn between the relief the Louis appeared to be okay and the worry over why he would need sleeping pills in the first place. At least now that they were reassured he would be waking up they could worry a bit less. Since there was nothing they could do for the time being they decided to split, two staying in the bus to wait for Louis to wake up and the other two going out to get breakfast. Harry took the car keys while Zayn grabbed his wallet before leaving, the room behind them being somehow even more quite than previously.

 

-

 

  
The ride to the coffee shop was eerily quiet. They were that shook up from what had just happened that they couldn’t even bother with small talk. Finally Zayn spoke,

“You do know it can’t be that bad, right? Just take a deep breath and try to relax. Once we go back Lou will be awake and you can talk to him and figure things out. Everything will be alright, Harry.”

He wanted to believe him, that would make things so much easier, but he simply couldn’t. Even if Louis was, as the other boys suggested, simply tired why would he need those damned pills to sleep? Why couldn’t the usual tea just do the job?

  
“I guess you could be right, I just don’t know. I’m so confused Zayn.. It just doesn’t make any sense. He never need to take pills before, so why now? I keep thinking that there might me something more to it. Like, why would he prefer sleeping alone, away from us? He says it’s because it reminds him of home, but what if it is because of something else, something entirely different? I just what him to be happy again, I want to wake up to the person I fell in love with, I hate thinking that he might be hurting..”

Harry unable to face Zayn, as he knew that if he did another wave of emotion would come alive, was staring out of the window. He was surprised when he felt someone’s hand, Zayn’s, holding his moments before hearing his voice.

  
“I know that this is hard for you, believe me I get it. But don’t bit yourself Harry; we don’t even know what is going on yet. Just know that whatever it is you are not in it alone. If it’s as serious as you seem to believe you will need help, both physically and mentally. I and the guys will be there no matter what. You are our brother and we love you, we got your back. Everything will eventually work out, you will see.”

  
Harry felt that same gratitude towards his friends for the second time on that day. He did know that the guys would help him if Louis was indeed bad. And, in all honesty, he would need them more than Louis would. All he could do was hope that he was paranoid for no reason, he knew that if anything were to happen to his boy he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself.

  
The rest of the drive was silent, the only noises coming in the car being from the traffic surrounding them. Soon enough they returned to where the bus was parked and were met with an over-energized Louis playing football with Liam and Niall. Harry and Zayn exchanged looks, having a silent conversation. Something was really, really weird about Louis, they could both tell.

  
-

  
When they exited the car both of them were at loss of words. How could the man standing there laughing with his mates, playing football be the same almost dead-looking boy they had left not that long ago? Harry’s eyes met with Zayn’s. Knowing they had to get some answers, they moved towards Liam, asking for his help in taking the food inside, desperate for an explanation.

  
Once inside Liam told them what had happened while they were away. How he and Niall stood numb, incapable to do much else, when Louis started calling out for them, suggesting they do all kinds of things, being his usual self. The boys didn’t know how to react. They couldn’t wrap their heads around the idea at all. After a few seconds of silence, that felt like so much more, Harry spoke.

  
“So, what? We act as if none of this happened? Act life all of this is normal?”

  
“Of course not, Harry!” Liam said “I know this isn’t normal. I’m not saying we ignore the problem until it eventually goes away! We’ll keep an eye on him, but we can’t talk about it, not yet.”

  
“Have you talked to Niall yet?” Zayn asked.

  
“No, I was waiting for you two to come back. Maybe you, Harry, could take him away so that we could talk? I think it will do him good.”

  
“Sure.. Just text me when to come back. I’ll talk to you later.”

  
Harry left, making his way to Louis, never having so many thoughts in his head as in that moment.

  
-

  
They had been gone for a while now, walking aimlessly around town before stopping in a park. They had been talking about everything and anything, but there was only one thing on Harry’s mind he knew he couldn’t touch. He had been starring Louis’ eyes for a while before saying his next words.

  
“Hey.. I think I wanna move in the bus with you..”

  
Louis was taken aback at first. “What made you consider that babe?” He finally said.

  
“Well I do feel kinda homesick, I’m not used to the touring schedule just yet, and sleeping next to you always helps.” Harry paused for a few seconds before hesitantly asking “Why? Is there a problem Lou?”

  
The boy’s face turned darker with every passing second, and Harry’s worry turned bigger and bigger.

  
“No, of course not! So, uhm.. when will you move your things?”

  
“Hmm, as soon as possible? I really have missed waking up besides you, you know.”

  
He was now smirking while looking at the boy he so adored. Louis began saying something before Harry cut him by saying “Oh, now kiss me, you fool!”

  
“You’re such a dork, I swear.” Louis said before leaning in to kiss him. In that moment he could feel more safe than he had felt in such a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's that, next chapter will be up either on Thursday or Saturday. You can check out my [tumblr](https://kingofthejungleandcultleader.tumblr.com)  
> if you want to, you can ask me anything there. And I think that's all?


	4. Harry understands Louis a bit better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive! Sorry for taking that long to update, life happened. This is the new chapter!  
> As always, a biig thanks to Giulia, make sure to [follow](https://rated-l-for-larry.tumblr.com)  
> her everyone.  
> You can also check out my [tumblr](https://kingofthejungleandcultleader.tumblr.com)  
> and maybe talk to me about this chapter?  
> ALSO! The playlist for this fic is ready, but because I'm useless I couldn't figure out 8tracks so here's the [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/mira.toliou/playlist/34VUKKNl8nEatsDrCcVJTn)  
> 

Harry did leave his room that day to be closer to Louis, and things appeared to be going okay. They had performed a few mohimre successful shows and Louis seemed to be doing much better. He was starting to believe that maybe he had overreacted that night all those days ago. He was feeling less worried every time he saw Louis’ genuine smile, the one were sparks came out of his eyes, or every time he was truly laughing, the sound echoing in the room. For him, Louis was the sun, and he was relieved to see that the dark clouds around him were now far away.

Or so he thought, cause a week later, when he woke up alone in the middle of the night, with Louis’ side of the bed cold and him gone, all of the thoughts and worries came back in an instant. Harry was sat in complete darkness and all he could think of was louislouislouis.

Then he heard it, the quite crying he had heard one too many times before. At the sound of that he realized just how wrong he had been before. Louis wasn’t okay, things didn’t become good out of the blue, and his crying was proof of that, the crying he only had when he was feeling utterly shit, yet didn’t want to keep Harry up, worry him.

The first time it happened they were living in the X Factor house. They were having more votes each Sunday night and their fanbase was getting significantly bigger. It was too much too soon for all of them, especially for Louis who, as the eldest, wanted to be strong for his younger boys. It continued throughout the years, sometimes more serious than other. It had happened when Eleanor came to their lives, it had happened when Jay got divorced with Mark and he thought his family would fall apart, and it had happened when the younger twins were born and he couldn’t be there with his family, due to the band.

Every time, though, they got over it, Harry being Louis’ anchor and Louis his. Their relationship wasn’t the easiest, but that didn’t matter because the love they shared made all of the shit they went through better, almost bearable. He knew they could make it, now was no different than the other times, he thought to himself.

Still, something was off. The other times he always could sense that Louis was trouble and he had some ideas over why he was like that. Now, though.. it wasn’t like that. He couldn’t find a possible explanation. He tried to remember Louis’ actions, trying to find any clues at all, but truth was pretty much anything he did was normal.

He got out of the bed, silently searching the rooms, the need to find his boy, the person he loved most in the world, becoming too much. Bad thoughts popped up in his mind, scenarios of what could be going on inside Louis’ mind, of what would happen in the future.

Just as he was about to start crying himself, he saw him, the sight in front of him turning sadness into shock.

He was sitting in the bathroom floor, facing the mirror. He hadn’t noticed Harry, hadn’t noticed him standing next to him, holding an empty bottle of pills.

 

“Lou.. what is this?” Harry said shaking the bottle. Louis was too lost in the haze of the pills to realize he was being addressed.

 

“Louis! Louis, focus on me! Why is it empty?” He was almost shouting now, but it seemed to have caught Louis’ attention at last.

 

“Relax Harry, will ya? I got a headache and I simply needed a pill!”

 

“Then why is it empty Louis?”

 

“Because it’s the one I got from Home! Harry, relax. It’s nothing love!”

 

Harry knew not to push it, he knew it would have a terrible outcome if he did, but he also knew that Liam’s idea of not talking about the problem did more harm than good. First thing in the morning he would talk to the boys.

So that’s what happened. Harry told them about the pills and they all shared their experiences with Louis, things that seems okay at the time but now worried them. Zayn said how he would propose they smoke more frequent and Niall how they went to pubs together “so that I don’t miss home” as he had put it. And while with Liam Louis didn’t abuse anything, he was a shadow of himself. He wasn’t being loud or sassy or.. well Louis. And that was the most alarming of all.

 

-

 

A few weeks had passed and they had put on a few more shows. Louis remained silent, even while on stage, and fans had started noticing something was wrong, which only made Louis feel worse. Nowadays he was lost more often than not, only willing to communicate with Harry.

That night was one where Louis wanted to talk, maybe not exactly wanted but he did regardless.

Harry had woken up alone in their bed once again, but this time Louis’ crying was loud and clear. When did things go to shit? Harry thought to himself, trying to find the boy.

Just like the first time he found Louis sitting in front of the bathroom mirror. Even though he was crying much harder, with puffy, red eyes and tears all over his face, he was collected. He was wearing nothing but a green hoodie that belonged to Harry and was too big for him.

Another thing that was different was that now Louis had noticed him walking, he was looking at him right in the eyes. When Harry started being too close for Louis’ liking he started trying to hide himself in all the extra clothing he was wearing.

That was so unlike Louis. He loved his body and always found one way or another to show it off. That was one of the things Harry loved most about him, how comfortable he was in his own skin. It was quite inspiring to him and it had helped him a lot through the years, especially when the band really took off.

This person standing in front of him, though.. That wasn’t Louis. He wasn’t loud; the smile was nowhere to be found in his face. He was shivering as he was sitting there, in the dark room, petrified. The sight broke Harry’s heart while it fuelled him with anxiety.

 

“Babe” Harry said quietly “What is going on?”

He was kneeled so that he was sat right next to Louis, the boy turning to face him.

 

“I couldn’t sleep. Had another nightmare.” The boy’s face turned dark, as if the mere thought of it brought everything back.

 

“It’s okay, shh.. I’m here now with you.. Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“I don’t know, Harry.. I just.. I don’t know how much longer I can take. I can’t be like you, Harry. I can’t be strong. All I want to do is be with you out in the open and I hate them for not allowing us to do that. I hate them and I hate myself for not saying anything, for blindingly doing whatever I’m told.”

 

Harry wiped Louis’ tears before holding him in his arms.

 

“But baby” he eventually said “it’s not your choice; you don’t do it out from your free will. And I’m not strong. I only and when you are right next to me. Louis, you make me strong, your love and what we have.”

 

“What’s the point if I can’t actually be with you? Why can’t we do all the things we do with our ‘girlfriends’? Why can’t I show you off to the world?”

 

“Louis, see those?” he said as he pointed to their anchor and rope tattoos and Louis nodded.

 

“And those?” now pointing to the dagger and the rose.

 

“Baby, our story is written all over our bodies. They’re for everyone to see. The people who care for us and matter, they know. The fans, for the most part, know, and our contract is almost over. We’ll be free in no time, Lou.”

 

“But what if we won’t? That’s what we thought back then, that we would be free, and look where we’re now, Harry. I don’t know how much longer I can take. All I want is to be free, I’m so tired of hiding, I’m just so tired all of the time…”

 

“I’ll tell you want. We’ll go to bed now and we’ll talk about it in the morning, okay?”

 

Harry put a soft kiss on Louis’ forehead before letting go of him and guiding them to their room.

So that was what was wrong with Louis. It wasn’t the first time any of them were tired of being closeted; it wasn’t the first time all they wanted was to just drop everything to be with each other. But it was the worst for sure. And while he had noticed the liquor bottles slowly becoming empty and the pill bottles lying in the bottom of the garbage can, he just couldn’t grasp how severe the situation was just yet.

But there was one thing he knew. That night he wouldn’t sleep and the following morning there would be no talk.


	5. Things go to shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More than two months after the previous update, here's chapter 5 ! I might post the last chapter before leaving for holidays but we'll see how that works out.  
> Again, a big thanks to Giulia, make sure to [follow](https://rated-l-for-larry.tumblr.com)  
> her everyone.  
> Here's my [tumblr](https://kingofthejungleandcultleader.tumblr.com)  
> if you'd like to check that out.  
> Finally there's also a playlist for this fic which you can check out [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/mira.toliou/playlist/34VUKKNl8nEatsDrCcVJTn)  
> 

The following weeks progressed in a similar way. Louis would stay silent, only talking with Harry in the early hours of the morning. The rest of the boys would meet while Louis was asleep, discussing his progress, or lack of, and how they would be approaching the situation.

 

More people now knew that something was off, signs were being brought in the concerts and theories were made, some of them completely true to what was actually going on behind closed doors. And on top of it all where the paps, following Louis everywhere, asking him all kinds of questions, from the new girl he was spotted with, to the blankness in his eyes.

 

And while some days where better than usual, each bad one was worse than the one before. Everything was becoming too much for all of the boys, their lives full of worry about Louis, about what the future would bring them.

 

But even though their conversations were there, Louis was now more distant with Harry as well, settling only for hugs and the occasional kisses Harry would give him.

 

He had explained to himself as Louis being too drained emotionally, too tired to actually try to do anything more. And then the tour moved to the warmer countries, the baggy sweaters were switched with t-shirts, which gave Harry hope as he considered that to be an improvement. But that was when the bracelets first appeared..

 

Harry spotted the first one during one of their concerts, thinking nothing of it. Both of them would wear bracelets from time to time, so it wasn’t weird. When they started multiplying day by day and Louis wouldn’t just let him touch him like before, Harry knew a new problem lay ahead of them.

 

He saw them for the first time when they were having one of their conversations. Harry had brought Louis a glass of water and he had tried to reach for it when one of the bracelets slipped and a bright red line was exposed on his wrist. He was quick to cover it right away, but it was not fast enough for Harry had seen. He had seen and he felt so so bad. Not only was Louis emotionally hurt and he couldn’t do much to help him, but now he was _actually_ hurting himself and Harry had absolutely no fucking clue up until that very moment. He felt utterly useless at that moment, unable to even care for his boy.

 

He was on the verge of crying, but he knew he would have to hold his tears back until after Louis was asleep.

 

“Is there anything else you want to tell me?” he asked, voice shaking, already knowing the answer to the question.

 

 

Louis shook his head no, as expected. “Come on” he said, “I’m tired, let’s sleep.”

 

 

After about half an hour of cuddling Louis had fallen asleep and Harry was finally able to let his tears out. That night he did not get any sleep, instead tracing his boy’s cuts with his fingertips while tears kept wetting his cheeks.

 

_Things need to change_ he thought to himself. The following morning he would seriously talk with Louis at last.

 

-

 

 “I think you need to go to rehab.”

 

 

They were eating breakfast when Harry said that out of the blue the next morning. Louis was shocked the moment he heard those words.

 

“What? What _are you_ talking about?” He was fake-smiling, trying to hide the tears that were beginning to appear in his eyes.

 

 

“Louis, please. You barely talk to any of us-”

 

 

“I’m talking to you right now, aren't I ?”

 

 

“Louis” Harry took a deep breath before he continued. “All you do is drink and take pills. You’ve become a ghost, Louis. You hardy get by. Baby, I know this is a shitty situation but we’ll get over it, we always do. Just, go to rehab, Lou.”

 

 

“What for, Harry? I’m fine. I just want to unwind at the end of the day. Is that so bad?”

 

 

Harry knew it wouldn’t be that simple, he knew Louis wouldn’t simply accept he had a problem and let Harry help him. H knew all of those things, yet he was willing to try.

 

“Louis, you have a problem! Can’t you see that?” He was full on screaming by that point.

 

 

“But I don’t! Why can’t you get that for fuck’s sake?”

 

The tension in the room had become so thick, _that_ being the worse fight they had ever had.

 

 

“Give me your hand.” Harry said and Louis took a step back.

 

 

“Why do you wear all those bracelets, Louis? Just give me your hand.”

 

 

He now had Louis’ hand in his, taking of his bracelets, exposing the hurt skin underneath them.

 

 

“Do you really want to insist you have no problem?” he said pointing to the cuts.

 

 

“Leave me alone.” Louis said trying to escape Harry’s grip.

 

 

“Leave me alone and fuck off!”

 

 

And just like that Louis had disappeared, leaving him all alone.

 

Louis had left him and he fucking deserved it, but he had a really bad feeling about it. He ran behind him, trying to catch up with him, feeling the knot in his stomach getting bigger with each step he took.

 

Nothing, though, could really prepare him for what was about to happen.


End file.
